I'm keeping secrets from my husband

When I hear this song, I think of Joey.
When I smell this cologne, I think of Chris.
When I drive on this street, I think of Peter.

It would be cool if these guys were just friends of mine, but it's more complicated than that. These guys know things about me that I wish only my husband could say he knows. 

This is one way that my past haunts me. There are many other ways that these guys and the memories have interfered with my intimacy with my husband. There were many years where I didn't tell my husband about them. There were times when I thought about them during sex with my husband. There were times when I would go stalk them on Facebook when I was dissatisfied and lonely in my marriage. There were the butterflies in my stomach as my husband and I ran into one of them at a show. There were the times where I could imagine my life being so much more "fun" or "better" if I had ended up with one of them. 

Do you have similar experiences now that you're married? Here are some things to keep in mind as you pursue greater intimacy in your marriage.

Keeping secrets hurts your marriage

Keeping secrets wears on our soul as well as our intimacy. It hurts to be fearful of being known. You need to talk about it. Your spouse may respond with grace, hurt or anger, but there is a cap on your intimacy level if you don't live in the light with your spouse. If you're not ready to be completely honest with your spouse, find a trusted friend or counselor. Find someone who won't applaud you or shame you for all the mistakes you made in the past, but find someone who will understand the importance of living in the light and is rooting for your marriage.

You may be believing lies

When we carry secrets around, we start listening to the lies that comes with them. You're not good enough. There's something wrong with you. Your marriage is ending anyway, just sabotage it. You deserve to get attention from someone else. You're so bad, don't let him find out who you really are because he's not going to love you. It's better to not tell him because it's only going to hurt him when he finds out. Our brain does a great job at doing whatever it needs to do to protect us from hurt and pain, but Satan also does a great job at keeping us in chains.

You are so loved by God

Do you know that God sees you? His grace is for you. Those regrets, shameful memories, deep wounds and mistakes -- grace covers all.

Listen in this week as we talk to Barbara Wilson, author of The Invisible Bond and Kiss Me Again: Restoring Lost Intimacy In Marriage, about unpacking our sexual baggage.