How to teach yourself how to orgasm

Have you ever had an orgasm? My hope is that you can confidently say 'yes,' but the truth is there are 5% of you who have never orgasmed in your life. And the reality is, that number is probably higher because there are many women who think they have orgasmed, when in fact, they were experiencing the build up to an orgasm, without the actual release/explosion/bliss. Trust us -- if you've had one, you would know.

So what's the big deal? Why are orgasms important?

Because when you orgasm, you release a brain chemical called oxytocin from your pituitary gland. This hormone is released during sexual arousal/orgasm, birth, and breastfeeding. It is the "human super glue" as described by Barbara Wilson, author of the Invisible Bond and Kiss Me Again. The oxytocin helps you become one with your partner. You are drawn toward them, attached to them, and able to experience a deeper level of intimacy when this chemical is released.

If you haven't been able to orgasm and you'd like to learn how, here are few things that will help as you move through this journey.

1. You must be able to trust your partner
If you told him you'd like to learn how to orgasm, would he shame you or would he encourage you? Is there grace and forgiveness in your marriage? When learning how to orgasm, trust and vulnerability will be the biggest factors in helping you discover what your body likes. It will probably take a lot of time, trial and error to figure out what feels good for you, so patience will play a big factor, as well as the ability to be "okay" if the "big-O" goal isn't met.

2. You must let go of shame and guilt from past sexual sins and experiences
For a few years after getting married, I was bombarded with flashes of past sexual experiences while I would be having sex with my husband. I didn't want them, and they didn't turn me on, but they did make me feel shame and kept me distracted from being fully present in the moment. I needed to take action and went through a study to heal from all the guilt or memories I was carrying around from the past sexual sins and experiences. I didn't know they would interfere so much as I would be making love. . . but it is possible to move past these memories into freedom. We recommend speaking with a counselor, close trusted friend or even your spouse.

3. You must build up the courage to communicate with your words or body
When something feels good, you gotta let him know. Whether it's in bed or out of bed, your man is not a mind reader. Choose to use your words, moans, breath and body language to show him what feels good and what doesn't.

Try using these words when you like something:

  • "Keep doing that."
  • "Don't stop."
  • "I like that."
  • "That feels good."

If something doesn't feel good:

  • "Can you do ____ instead?"
  • "Go slower."
  • "Can you do that lighter?"
  • "Will you touch me ____?"

If communicating with your words makes you feel embarrassed:

  • Breath heavier when something feels good, this is usually a good indicator
  • Place your hand over his hand to guide him

Listen to our new episode about the female orgasm!